A Letter to My Childhood Self – (first draft)

August 25, 2010 § 1 Comment

Dear Chris,

If you are reading this then I must first point out two facts above all others:  You live past the age of 21, and some semblance of time travel is possible during your lifetime.  Both of these are very good. As is sex, which you waited for too long to engage in.

I am writing to you from the moon future, or perhaps writing to my past self from the present.  It all depends on your perspective I suppose.  Though you are probably to young to understand this anyways.  It is my sincerest hope that you will not simply read this and toss it away like you do every other movie girlfriend book you encounter. Please read the jokes sports winners information I have detailed to you below, as it will have sexy greatly positive benefits for me your future.

I will first warn you to NOT accept your sisters black and pink hand-me-down Max Headroom skateboard. If you do, you will find that your lazy careless nature and reckless abandonment of headgear will result in two broken noses within a year. This is why your nose is so messed up. This may lead to disfigurement and/or possible sinus problems.

Furthermore, I would also advise you stay clear of Ronald around the corner. He is a hardcore dick bag He has no interest in your friendship and will literally hit you upside the head with your Transformers lunch box and will cause you physical harm. Just call his lame ass a clown like Ronald McDonald DO NOT make fun of his name, as this will just antagonize him into further fits of rage.

Also make sure to enjoy the years spent living in Puerto Rico without water or electricity, as you will not return for some time.

You have many drunken blackouts ups and downs ahead of you, young friend.  High school will prove to be a depressing and lonely affair time spent in reflection.  Your senior prom will generally suck be fairly uneventful, but you should attend regardless.

College, on the other hand, will open up many new doors for you.  You will find great popularity within a group of assholes and forge short lived new friendships. You will also know passionate love with several women at the same time and learn all the lyrics to Motown Philly how to become a man.  In college, you will finally find your nintendo 64 place and direction in life.  Several years later you will find true friends still kind of assholes who love and accept you as God intended buddha taught people generally should.

You will also experience many difficulties and heartaches in your life.  I can not explain them all due to the evil gnome overlords space time continuum risk of destroying your child-like mind things beyond our control, but I will highlight the ones that may benefit us both. Please do not skip your 7th period spanish class in Jr. year.  Your will end up totalling your car and getting laughed at by a bus of elementary school students. The job you take at UPS will be terrible, and you should instead interview for the job at the RTD.  And though you may find yourself strangely confident and surprisingly successful with women in parts of college, I would strongly suggest you avoid dating any of the women you meet your freshman year. Psycho Trouble seems to be a unifying trend for them.

I am afraid I haven’t much else to tell you.  While it may seem this letter found you with a foreboding tone and incessant warnings, I can assure you that you will not grow up living in regret.  In time, and hopefully more quickly than I, you will learn to love life for what it is.  Please, above all else, remember these three two things.  First, find the ones that make you happy and hold on to them for dear life.  They are far less frequent then you think. Second, do not be afraid to take chances.  I promise everyone likes a person with stories. “Jump, and the net will appear.” And finally, avoid the fish dip at new years. You’ll be thankful several times over. Especially when going for the fish dip.

Good luck & God speed,

Me (you)


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